The Waiting Room. I’ve had the title for my book for nearly twenty years. I just didn’t have the book…on paper that is.
In my head, I added pages and chapters, but I wouldn’t put ink to paper for fear of someone reading it.
Yes, fear of readers for my book.
Fear they would know things I was taught should be hidden.
Fear I’d be found out.
Fear of…dare I say someone changing the way they see or think of me.
“You are not worthless, you are not a failure, and you are not a loser. That voice saying you are is just your depression trying to trick you.”
I was searching for motivational quotes for depressed folks, and The Depression Project nailed this one on the head.
Worthless. A loser. A worthless loser.
That’s exactly how I felt for years. I never thought there’d be a way out. I somehow held on through ups and many downs, feeling like I was just crawling through existence, barely making it.
I had no idea I was depressed, anxious, miserable or that those problems attributed to my strange behaviors. It had to be brought to my attention that depression, anxiety, and hating life had slowly seeped in and taken over my entire being, affecting my physical, emotional, and mental health.
I thought I was hiding it all, but it was obvious.
I figured if it was so clearly seen that I didn’t have things all together, I might as well get my words on the page.
Who knows? They may help someone who thinks they are the only ones feeling (or not feeling) the way they do.
Years and years of bottling up what I felt, believed, and how I had been treated only made me sick and longing to die. I was dreading the day immediately upon waking.
After my brother passed away, I felt that the wrong kid died, and I would even tell my parents that. Now I see how absurd that was, basically saying God made a mistake.
Fear was a factor in not writing my book for so long. But when I was down, I was so down I couldn’t focus, I lost joy in things I used to love, and I just gave up on a lot of them. I didn’t see any purpose to my being around.
Everyone had ideas of what I “should” do with my life (and weren’t afraid to tell me), but it wasn’t until I dug deep into my faith, the inspiration from my brother to fight and persevere, and the love of my dad that I made the choice to get better.
I always say depression does not want you to get better. It’s the battle of the mind. You cannot let depression take over and win. You choose what gets into your thoughts, what and who you surround yourself with, and how you are going to respond to things, good or bad.
No more fear in others reading my book. They’ll either like it or they won’t.
It’s just my story, the only truth I have and know.
Read how it is to be the “healthy” one in a family where disease infects one but affects all in The Waiting Room by Anonymous Gent.
Available on Amazon
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